I have been making a list of things to take to God when I die. Things that I consider Unfair, Unjust or just plain wrong. Its getting to be a long list, and at times it causes me to suffer little minor attacks of faith in a Creator that interacts with the world.
Not in the Creator it/her/himself mind you. There is no way that I can look around my portion of the world and not see the Creator’s hand in all of nature from the majesty of the sunrise to the butterfly breaking out of the shell hanging from my fennel plant.
I fully believe that God is a part of all things, In human beings even though we don’t always recognize the essence of God in others’ when we deal with them.
But … Back to my topic…
Why does it seem to me that the people who have had a hard but good life, are the ones that suffer in the end. My Grandmother got Leukemia at 90 years old. Her husband committed suicide when the youngest daughter (my mom) was eight years old. My grandmother raised those two children as a single parent, coming out of the depression. She took care of her own mother, when that was required of her as well.
Why Leukemia? why not simply slip away into the night, peacefully?
My Great Aunt (In-law) has worked hard all her life. Raised on a farm, helping people.. Feeding everyone. I’ve never heard her have an unkind word to say.. Independent and level headed at 90 years old, Then she gets cancer? Seriously? This is the way of things?
Now my Grandfather (in-law) is going through a series of mini strokes.
Seems like the more independent you are, the more personality and sense you have at 90.. the harder your end is. And if you can’t tell I’m pretty bitter about it all.
One person said that people aren’t sick because of what they did.. but they are sick for the people around them. To allow them to deal with the impending death and with their own emotions.
One person said that they’re suffering for others…
I don’t really know what to believe. I just know that its not fair and its a huge speed bump in my faith that prayers help. That God really interacts in our lives.
I vacillate on this line.. where I wonder if the answer to our prayers lies in the willingness of the Godly to live out Christ’s life.
That God Created this beautiful world for us, Gave us free will and offered us the chance to live each day recognizing the essence of God all around us. If that’s the case then the Almighty must be sorely disappointed in his creation.
In this belief, there is no “the Devil made me do it” Its all us. Our choices, Our Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, Envy, Wrath and our Pride.
I often think that the praying is for us. To give us something to focus on, similar to making the husband boil water while his wife is in the throws of labor. That God does listen, and offers us insight if we’re willing to listen.
Most of the time I do not believe that God actually interacts with our prayers like they’re some big Santa list.
“Oh Johnny’s been good, I’ll grant that prayer.”
That might be a little flippant but I’m dealing with emotions here and I that’s how I get.
If I go with the above viewpoint on God and his/her dealings with us and the world around us, then I’m saved making the list of the unfairness, the injustice; because it all falls on our shoulders. Its no longer how good or bad we’ve been.. its no longer a reward or punishment .. Its just the way of the environment. You got sick because you went outside in the winter with your hair wet. Grandma died because she’s old, Jimmy died because he was sick, etc.
And yet, I believe in Miracles. I’ve seen prayers work. I’ve seen angels coming to help a poor scared child who just wanted to die.
So it boils down to , I don’t know what to believe.. And maybe it’s a mix of the two. Maybe for the most part, this is our world and what we do with it affects each further generation. Maybe God listens to our prayers and offers us ways to deal with the world in its state. Offers us advice and peace and maybe strength to deal with the unpleasant things that happen.
This blog post prolly sounds like rambling.. but again, I’m dealing with emotions here.. so take what you can get.