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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I just love it!

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So for some reason this weekend I have been missing my grandmother. Not that I really need a reason to miss her, but it came on suddenly and with extreme force. To counter this feeling I picked up Genoa salami (sliced thin of course), Provolone cheese and some italian bread. IF it wasn’t so hot I”d have made creasha (Foccacia) I find that embracing the things she liked or did, eases my pain. Like she’s there with me cutting an apple into slices for the grandchildren, or at the door while I water the tomatoes, etc. It makes the loss that much bearable.

So I make myself a sandwich and suddenly I am surrounded by dogs. THey are all sitting pretty, dancing in circles and otherwise performing for me. Now don’t get me wrong, my dogs do have a tendency to beg for tidbits – but NOT like this.
I Look up and see the bag of pup-peroni above me and start to laugh.
The smell of the salami must be similar to their dog treats.. LOL Poor things were wondering why I was eating their treats.

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I got this from a friend this morning! What a great way to wake up.. with laughter!!!! This clip actually has an add on to the one I watched this morning – The baby. hahah

Watch it and laugh.

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The Middle Wife

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘ Middle Wife’ comes along.

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Bagpipes at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost…. it’s a man thing.

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Happy IRS day!

*At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a
lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s
too little left to be of any use?”****

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages.”****

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. “What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on
a patient?”****

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an****unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package
of plaster.”****

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”****

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick.”*

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Grandma still drives

Grandma is ninty-one years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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